What Are You So afraid Of?
by bbkris10
Summary: In which Yugyeom discovers a fear he never knew he had...because it's coming true.
1. Chapter 1

At first, Yugyeom didn't even notice.

"Bye, Gyeom. I'm going to visit some friends on the other side of Seoul. I'll be back in a few days."

"Bye, hyung." Yugyeom mumbled distractedly, eyes focused on his phone screen where he was watching a Chris Brown music video.

It was fine, they all left for solo stuff sometimes.

"Bye, Gyeom. I'm going to China to film for Team Wang. See you next week."

"Mhmm, bye." Yugyeom yawned, rolling back over to try and catch a little more sleep during his mid-afternoon nap after a day of exhausting dance practice.

"Bye, Gyeom. I'm working on something in the States. I should be back before next month."

"Have fun-" Yugyeom said, looking up from the noodles he was cooking, but Jackson was holding up a finger to signal silence as he picked up the phone. "Oh hey man wassup." he answered in English as he turned and grabbed his bags to walk out the door.

Little by little, Yugyeom started to notice.

"Hey Gyeom, want to go to dinner with me and some new friends from my show?"

"Um...no thanks hyung, I'm a little tired." Yugyeom said, looking up from where he was facetiming his mom.

Jackson nodded and shut Yugyeom's door, footsteps retreating to the front door.

"Why don't you go with him, it sounds like fun." his mom's voice crackled through his headphones.

"I don't really know his friends anymore mom. It might be awkward." He flashed her a weak smile and the conversation moved on.

"Gyeom! Have you seen my bracelet?"

Yugyeom came to Jackson's room to find him basically destroying his dresser in a mad flurry.

"Which one?" Yugyeom asked sheepishly, noticing at least five bracelets strewn across the desk and onto the ground due to Jackson's wild search.

"The silver one with the diamond clasp. I bought it with some friends overseas. I can't find it anywhere!"

"I'm sorry hyung, I haven't seen anything like that." Yugyeom said, holding his arm with one hand while he stood waiting for Jackson to answer. "If you want, I can ask Bambam…" When he realized that Jackson was too focused on his hunt and wasn't going to respond, Yugyeom awkwardly retreated from the room.

It was no big deal really, they all got busy.

"Bye Gyeom, I'll be gone for a little while, see ya."

"Going to China?" Yugyeom asked but he must have hesitated too long because he was answered by the front door closing behind a rushed Jackson.

"Bye Gyeom, I'm going out, I don't know when I'll be back."

"Wait, where are you-" Yugyeom started, but one of the members had already intercepted him to talk about something before he left the dorms.

"Bye Gyeom."

Yugyeom sighed. "Bye" he muttered under his breath, knowing Jackson was probably already out the door and wouldn't hear him anyway.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

The next day, Yugyeom had fallen asleep on the couch with Jaebum watching TV.

A familiar voice filtered through his dreams and when it registered he jolted awake, sitting up and looking over the back of the couch toward the door.

"Jackson?" he asked, smiling and squinting against the darkness and sleepiness to see if Jackson was back, straining his eyes as Jackson's distinctive voice continued to fill the room. The doorway was dark and empty.

Yugyeom realized that the voice was coming from the opposite direction and turned back around.

He was met with Jackson's handsome face grinning on the TV, glaringly bright as he cracked open a beer on a commercial.

Yugyeom watched the commercial all the way through in silence. The channel switched back to the late-night re-runs as Yugyeom emptily stared.

Jaebum grunted and stirred awake on the other side of the couch, disgruntled by Yugyeom's previous movements.

"Whyd'ya kick me Gyeom" he slurred, turning on his back to glare at the other boy.

Yugyeom was sitting up cross-legged with his blanket in his lap staring at the TV, a single tear trickling down his cheek.

Jaebum's brow furrowed and he sat up, fighting a wave of sleepiness, and leaned forward to touch Yugyeom's face to make sure his eyes weren't playing tricks on him. His fingertips came back wet. Yugyeom didn't react.

"Hey, why ya cryin Yugyeom?" Jaebum asked, his voice softened with sleep and worry, as he hunched forward to look at his maknae inquisitively.

Yugyeom seemed to break out of his stupor and his own hand came up to feel his cheek. He looked down at his hand incredulously when he felt the dampness on his skin.

"I...I'm sorry, I didn't realize I was. Huh. That's weird." He stared back down at his hand while Jaebum stared at him.

"You'reeeeeee kinda freaking me out Gyeom-ah." Jaebum said, leaning back a bit.

"Sorry hyung...do you mind if I turn the TV off? It woke me up."

"Go ahead." Jaebum said with one last worried glance, and laid back down, turning his back to the TV.

Yugyeom quickly found the discarded remote and shut the television off, immersing the room into complete darkness. He shifted back down onto his side, facing the black screen, his back to the door.

He wiped the remaining moisture off of his face before closing his eyes and falling back asleep.

Yugyeom couldn't ignore it.

"Bye Gyeo-"

"WAIT!" Yugyeom dashed out of the door of his bedroom and sprinted to the front door, blocking it before Jackson could breeze away. He gasped for breath, his arms splayed across the door behind him as Jackson stood there shocked, his cell phone to his ear.

Everything froze for a moment before the silence was broken my a tiny muffled voice on the other side of jackson's phone call.

"Yeah, sorry man, lemme call you right back." Jackson said, his questioning eyes never leaving Yugyeom as he hung up and put his phone in his pocket.

"...Well?" he asked, completely thrown off by Yugyeom's frantic actions.

"I...I just." Yugyeom started, sucking in air between words. "Where are...you going?...When...will you be back?"

Jackson was looking at him like he was crazy. "...I'm going to the company to do my part of the photoshoot. For the album. I should be back before dinner."

"Oh." Yugyeom said, breaking eye contact with Jackson as his gaze dropped to the floor and his cheeks flushed. He suddenly realized he was still barring Jackson's way and scrambled away from the door, nearly tripping over all of the shoes and the doorway and falling over in the process.

"Um...okay?" Jackson said and cautiously edged around the frazzled maknae and quickly retreated out the door.

Yugyeom collapsed, standing with his hands on his knees and hanging his head.

"Bye." he breathed. He was flooded with embarrassment and frustration and punched himself in the knees, cursing at himself for his own stupidity as trudged back to his room, slamming the door behind him.


	3. Chapter 3

"Oh ok that's cool! Sounds like fun man. Yeah I'll catch ya next week. Ok buh-bye." Jackson's slightly muted voice came through the wood of the door that Yugyeom's ear was pressed up against. He had been standing there with two mugs of organic green tea, planning to surprise Jackson when he heard the phone call. He didn't want to interrupt, not after his embarrassing display the week before, and had been waiting for almost five minutes for the conversation to end. He took a deep breath when he heard the farewell and waited a few seconds before meekly calling "Jackson?"

"Come in." he answered lightly.

Yugyeom opened the door (a bit precariously due to the two coffee mugs in his hands) and entered the room, closing it back behind him with his socked foot.

"Hey Gyeom" Jackson said flashing him a cute gummy smile from where he at cross-legged on his bed.

Yugyeom smiled back shyly and came over to hand Jackson the bigger of the steaming mugs. "Thought you might want some green tea, hyung."

Jackson's eyes lit up as he took the mug from Yugyeom and blew on it before taking a sip. "Mmm!" he exclaimed, "Delicious!" His reactions, as usual, were exaggerated and made Yugyeom blush. He looked down to hide his dopey smile and sipped from his own mug. He pretended he liked the savory beverage, but secretly wished that it would transform into chocolate milk.

Jackson giggled and made Yugyeom clink glasses with him. "Thank you, my throat has been a little scratchy lately. This hits the spot." he went on, talking more the room more than to Yugyeom, and it made the younger boy smile. It had been a while.

"I miss you, hyung."

The words were out of his mouth before he knew he had said them and Jackson turned to look at him, still smiling.

Yugyeom smiled back, a tiny boldness creeping up now that the words were out, making him finally admit it to himself.

"I really, really miss you." Yugyeom said, his words coming out weaker than he felt and when he had said them, his chin trembled and he had to press his lips together. He looked at Jackson's face, the Jackson that had lived with him and played with him and taught him and performed with him and grown with him for eight years, and he couldn't pretend anymore that he wasn't afraid to lose him. That he was already lost.

His eyebrows came together and his nose started to run and his throat was so impossibly tight. "I-" he tried to choke something else out, to convey what he had been feeling, but his body wouldn't allow him. Instead, the tears came, running over his eyelids delicately, and then with more force, even as he tried to stop them.

Jackson felt paralyzed as he watched Yugyeom crumble in front of him. He gulped and his big eyes filled with tears while his big heart filled with guilt. He suddenly moved into action, his strong arms taking away Yugyeom's mug with no protest as he sat both their drinks on the side table and turned back to his maknae.

"What do you mean you miss me Gyeom?" Jackson said, reaching over to stroke some of Yugyeom's long black hair back away from his face. Jackson tried to smile at him as he asked, but the smile turned into a grimace as he felt himself chill as his body threatened to cry. "I'm here."

Yugyeom cried audibly, opening his mouth to answer but releasing nothing but full, anguished sobs. They came with every rattled breath he struggled to take and shook his lean frame.

"J-Jackson." was all that he could manage through the spit and snot and tears that were trying to choke him, his eyes squeezed shut as the tears seeped out.

At the sound of his name coming from the lips of his precious friend in the most broken voice he had ever heard, Jackson could not control himself. He began crying too, the tears big and slow, sliding down his cheeks one at a time as his face crumpled. "I'm so sorry Yugyeom." his voice said, more air than sound. His hands shook he reached over to take Yugyeom's, and he bowed down and lowered his forehead into them.

Jackson cried, pressing his forehead into Yugyeom's hands, and Yugyeom sobbed above him, letting his body fall forward until his forehead landed on the crown of Jackson's head. They stayed there, unable to move, crying against each other. It seemed to them like time neither stopped nor passed as they drowned in the emotions of the other, feeling and receiving and lamenting and comforting.

Yugyeom realized that his sobs were again soundless and he was just gasping for breath, the tears silently falling down to dampen Jackson's hair.

Jackson's eyes were closed, his face pressed into Yugyeom's hands that were slick with his own tears, praying that the position would communicate to the other how sorry he was.

When Jackson didn't think he could cry another tear he opened his mouth and breathed as slowly as he could, sucking in the fresh air to soothe his aching throat and lungs.

"I'm so sorry." he whispered, his voice coming out a rasp.

He felt Yugyeom grip his face a little at that so he stopped talking. He didn't want Yugyeom to cry anymore. Jackson loosened his hands from where they held Yugyeom's against his face and slowly pulled them away.

Yugyeom lifted his head off of Jackson's at the movement and tried to stop his tears, but it felt like they would never stop falling. He had to resign to watch Jackson through blurry eyes as he dried his own tears off of Yugyeom's hands with the blanket and then leaned down to kiss each of his palms.

Jackson then reached up and dried his own face with the back of his sleeves, wiping his eyes and hiding his face in his arms ever so often until he he had completely ebbed the tears and calmed himself enough to face Yugyeom.

He couldn't think of anything worthy to say so he took Yugyeom's hands in his and laced their fingers together while he waited for the younger.

Yugyeom started talking as soon as he felt his throat loosen enough. "I didn't mean to make you cry. I didn't mean to cry. I'm sorry. Jackson-hyung. I just miss you...so much. And I'm sc-scared. It seems like you're always leaving. I never see you a-anymore. It's not your fault you're busy and have friends and work hard and have to tr-travel but…" he felt Jackson let go of his hands and stopped.

"I'm sorry Yugyeom." was all that Jackson could say. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry." He pulled Yugyeom against his chest and hugged him tightly.

Yugyeom had almost forgotten the sensation of really being held by Jackson and didn't realize how much he had been craving it. He wrapped his arms over Jackson's shoulders and buried his head in the older boy's neck.

Jackson gripped him firmly around his waist and rocked him minutely from side to side. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry" he whispered, his voice soft and genuine as he held Yugyeom against him.

He started to gently pull Yugyeom away so that he could look at him, but Yugyeom held onto him tighter.

Jackson felt himself smile despite himself, and put his arms back around his maknae's waist. He hooked his chin over the boy's bony shoulder. "It's all my fault. I didn't make time for you. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry. I miss you too Yugyeom. You don't have to forgive me-"

"I forgive you." Yugyeom cut him off immediately, his ragged voice muffled against Jackson's skin. Jackson felt his eyes shut and exhaled heavily. "Thank you." he whispered.


	4. Chapter 4

"Hey Jackson are you going anywhere tonight cause-whoaaa" Mark awkwardly stood in Jackson's doorway, hand on the knob as he took in the scene before him.

Jackson didn't want to pull away from Yugyeom again, but Yugyeom whispered "It's okay" and pulled away himself. They both turned to look at Mark.

"Are...you guys okay?" Mark asked, reaching up to scratch the back of his head.

Yugyeom turned to look back at Jackson and smiled. "We're okay." he said more to Jackson than Mark, and Jackson smiled back.

"Oooookay." Mark said, averting his gaze, "Well I was just gonna see if Jackson had time to watch a movie with me tonight or if he was gonna be out again but-"

"Yes!" Jackson interrupted, getting up and pulling Yugyeom up with him.

"I would love to watch a movie with you, Mark." he said, and pulled Mark into the tightest bear hug he could manage.

"Are you sure you're okay?" Mark squeaked, his arms trapped against his sides.

Jackson let go of him and ran down the hall, leaving Yugyeom and Mark to curiously watch after him.

He ran and knocked on every door, immediately hugging each member as they opened their door, and telling them that he wanted to watch a movie together with all of them.

The boys were all shocked, and though they tried to hide it, supremely happy at Jackson's request as they made their way to the living room. They pushed all of the furniture together so that they could be as close to each other as possible (or "to see the TV better" as Bambam called it) and settled in for a movie night together, probably their first one in a year.

When asked what he wanted to watch, Jackson asked Yugyeom who said that Mark should pick since it was his idea. Mark wanted to watch Rocky which made the Korean members argue, but they all were eventually won over by Mark's aegyo and settled for Korean subtitles.

By the time they were halfway through the movie they were more or less on top of each other.

Jaebum's had an arm slung over Jinyoung's shoulders. Bambam fingers toyed with Jinyoung's and his leg was lazily draped over Yugyeom's knee. Yugyeom leaned into Jackson's side, and the latter tucked him under his curled up on the other side of Jackson with his head on the older's thigh, already dozing off, both of his legs propped up in Mark's lap. Mark gently stroked Youngjae's hair with one hand and Coco's fur with the other.

When the movie finally ended and the credits rolled, Jackson was the only one left awake.

His gaze fondly travelled over the sleeping faces of his favorite people in the world and the biggest smile adorned his face. He closed his eyes and leaned his head down on top of Yugyeom's, falling asleep without another thought on his mind than the love in his heart for these seven boys. The most important in the world.


End file.
